Interesting developments...

It is amazing what can happen here in the Land of Blog.
There is someone I have been talking to occasionally for awhile... He and I seem to be on the same wave-length. It looks like we are going to meet. We just need to work out the details. I can't wait! My daighter even likes him... She hates everyone!!
I didn't even know he had Dom tendencies, but after getting to know him just a little bit it is obvious. He told me once that he didn't think that I was a sub. I am, really, I am just not your average sub. I push when I first get to know someone who claims to be a Dom. If he doesn't push back, I walk all over him. Too many men let me walk all over them. I am very strong willed, and it will take a stronger-willed person to earn my respect.
I might have found him.
Wish me luck!

More wonderful news...

Deaths Renew Scrutiny of Texas Mother
Read HERE.

Why can we not sentence these women to having their tubes tied? Infringement of their rights? What about the rights of these children to live?

Something is just wrong here...

Arkadelphia, Ark. - About 30 children were left without their parents after immigration agents raided a poultry plant in Arkadelphia, Ark., and took the parents away to face possible deportation.
Rest of story HERE.

There is really something wrong here. This country was founded on people coming here from oppressive countries to start a new life. Where would we be if the Native Americans had had an immigration service? I'm sure they would have been better off...

I know that everyone that comes here needs to become a citizen, but I don't think it should be so hard for them to get here, and get that citizenship.

Best year of my life (so far!)

The happiest time in my life occurred in a run down mouse infested farmhouse that was falling down around our ears.
We had noticed this house, back in the trees several miles outside of town. It had been abandoned, but still had electric lines hooked up. We asked around, found the owner. He agreed to rent it to us for a very small amount. We spent almost 2 months setting mousetraps (killed 27 the first 24 hours), clearing out years old trash, shampooing carpets, having the 1940's floor furnaces checked out.
We moved in, and from the first night, there was a feeling in that house that wrapped around me when I came home... A welcoming spirit. R was working in the oilfield (as always) and was away a lot. Our daughter was 5. I was a stay at home mom.
Living room, kitchen, dining room, bathroom with a big clawfoot tub, and one bedroom on the main floor, three bedrooms upstairs. Hand made wrought iron railing going up the very steep narrow (only about 5 inches deep) stairs. Nice front porch, lots of south windows to keep a good breeze going all summer. If you have ever been in southwest Kansas, you know that the wind almost never stops. If it does, you had better be nervous. We never even had to have air conditioning. A row of ancient cedar trees shaded the south side of the house, and the breeze was wonderful.
The yard was basically stubble, large weeds had grown up and been cut down using a bush hog for years. It bordered on a wheat field, and the owner backed his tractor and disk into the back yard to disc up the hard ground so I could have a garden. It was a fairly large disk, and I had a huge garden. If you have ever seen previously unbroken ground disked up for the first time, you will know that I had a lot of work cut out for me. If you haven't seen it, think of the sod chunks that the pioneers used to make houses out of. R and I worked to get that ground soft enough to plant in, and plant we did. Tomatoes, green beans, carrots, onions, potatoes, radishes, herbs, okra. I spent hours, barefoot, working in that garden. Flowers, birds, the neighbor's horses and pigs... There were so many things to keep us outside and busy.
When all that produce started ripening, and we started harvesting, I had even more fun. Canning it all!
In the house, I had a big old fashioned kitchen. All free standing cabinets that were more like pieces of furniture, big countertops. No upper cabinets, but open shelving above the sink. I spent hours baking bread, home made cinnamon rolls, making lots of home made goodies. I love cooking even more than gardening.
I had the house on a schedule. Laundry, fresh smelling clothes dried on the line, folding, putting away. Cleaning, I love to clean. I spent free time reading (I developed an addiction to Mother Earth News that I still indulge in to this day!), sewing, quilting. We didn't have TV. Didn't need it.
I loved that life. It was so stress-free.
We ended up having to leave because since we had cleaned up the place, the owners nephew wanted to live there. Gave us 30 days notice after being there a year. The nephew lived there for a couple of months and moved, leaving the house a wreck and it turned to a party place for high school kids. Last summer they tore it down to build a cotton gin on the land.
I miss that house terribly, and I wish I would have gone there before they tore it down and invited the spirits to come with me to my current house. I loved the feel of that house.
That was the best year of my adult life. Lots of good memories, and simple little stories I could tell that were the pieces that all fit together to make it the best time of my life.

Daily check in

Andy called. Said he tried to call last night and there was no answer. Highly possible. I had gone out of town to my favorite Mexican restaurant last night to flirt with my favorite waiter. I had had enough of this place.
My favorite waiter wasn't working, although he was in the kitchen and someone told him I was there... He stuck his head out to catch my eye, and waved. Damn he is sexy. Long black curly pony tail... Mmmm.
Andy's call did nothing but anger me. I miss the times we used to have together. He is so busy these days. I'm not mad at that. I miss the closeness. I want him to stand up and do what he said he was going to do. Sometimes I really do think that he is more pain than pleasure. Of course, I think men in general are. Most of them.

My first writing assignment done, I am still baffled by the second. Like I said, I know happy moments, but not many happy times. I can think of only one time in my adult life when I was happy - content. I guess that will be my story, although it isn't going to be easy to explain WHY I was happy. Nothing really exciting was happening. We will just have to see.

The absolute saddest thing

The one common denominator of horrible, lifechanging events is that you never wake up knowing how bad it's going to get.
It started out as a fairly good day. I had spent the previous few days deep cleaning the house, and baking, because R's niece was coming to stay with us for a week. She was 12, the same age as my little sister, and we were looking forward to going to pick her up. I had borrowed a quilt from my grandma to use as a spread on the niece's bed. It was a beautiful mint green based quilt she had made in 1927 at the age of 17 . I called Grandma that morning to ask how to clean it, and we chatted like normal. She told me to drape the quilt over the baby's playpen to dry, instead of putting it on the line, so that it wouldn't fade.
After I got off the phone, we went out and got in the vehicles. We had borrowed Grandpa's truck to haul some stuff back from R's parents house. Grandpa's Chevy always did work better than R's Ford. My little sister and I were going in my car. At the time I was driving a 1979 Mercury cougar... Looked like crap, but it was one of the best cars I ever had.
We got to where they lived, had as good a visit as possible with R's family, (I won't even go there) and headed home. We got 5 miles out from home and noticed there had been an accident, but didn't think anything about it. Accidents happen pretty regularly around here. We went on to our house, and I went into the house with our 6 month old daughter while R and the girls were unloading the vehicles. When the phone rang, I figured it was mom calling to see if we made it home yet. It was her, but that wasn't her reason for calling. Her first words were "Grandma and Grandpa were in a wreck and Grandma didn't make it." It was like someone hit the pause button. I couldn't quite get my mind around what she had just said. My entire life just crumbled, with one phone call.
Let me clue you in on how important these people were to me. My grandparents practically raised me. Their house was the only place I could get unconditional love, where I knew I would never be cut down or criticized, the two things my mother loved doing to me. I loved them more than most of my friends loved their parents.
The wreck happened on Aug 2, 1986. Some Missouri asshole going 80 plowed into the side of them as they were crossing the highway east of town, they had been out to check on the wheat. My grandma was killed instantly, and my grandpa died 3 days later.
Those funerals were horrible for me. I was the only one crying, which made it worse. My mother's family is one of those staunch families where no one shows emotion. My mother told me I embarrassed her at the funerals. I didn't care. The only safe place on earth was gone, and no one could understand that. I was 19 years old. I cried for weeks, I didn't think I would ever get over it.
To this day, there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think about them. Things my Grandma taught me come in handy every day. From cooking, to cleaning, to crafts... Almost everything I know I owe to her. Little jokes and funny thing that my grandpa used to do... He had such a great sense of humor. I still miss them so much.
In their house was a small bedroom that was dubbed the "playroom", where all the toys were kept. Back in the late 50's they had taken a trip to the Grand Canyon, and had a picture of it hanging on the wall in the playroom. It had polished rocks from the canyon in the frame, and as I loved rocks, I was always begging my grandma to give me the picture, or at least one rock out of the frame. When my mom and her brother were cleaning out the house, they took that picture off the wall, and on the back of it, my grandmother had written "Please give to A****, Love, Grandma." I treasure that picture more than anything I will ever own.
It was better for them, in the long run, I know. They were so in love that neither of them could have lived well without the other. They were both still in good health, they didn't end up in a rest home... For them, this was a good way. For me, with no warning, it just left a huge hole in my heart. I will never find another "safe place"...
Maybe that's what I have been looking for all these years....

Don't call me, we'll call you...

Andy didn't call yesterday. The first day (other than Sundays) that he hasn't called me since this whole affair began. So far, not today either. Maybe he took my advice. I told him (after his "sanctity of marriage - sticking to it" speech) that if that is the way he feels, he didn't need me. I knew when I said it what the consequences would be, and I was right... For now at least. I guess it really doesn't bother me quite as much as I thought it would. I have been getting tired of the whole "hiding out" thing anyway. He knows that I will be here if he ever really decides to finalize that divorce.


I hate watching the food channel when I have no money for food. *sigh* I love to cook... And all we have in the house is the sandwich stuff R bought last night. I am a veggie freak, and Rachel Ray just made some great veggie side dishes. Mmmm. No, I am not a vegetarian, although I could almost be. (I would still get a craving for grilled chicken or a fabulously rare grilled steak once in a while!) Now we don't have as much as a bag of salad in the house. Oh well.

One of my favorite poems....

I know that most of you have probably heard of Oriah Mountain Dreamer and her poetry, but this is one of my favorite poems from her, and since I pulled it up recently to share with a friend I wanted to share it with you, the rest of my friends, also... Hope you enjoy it... Kinda makes one think of what is really important in the day to day living of life...


The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

(A Native American Elder)

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting in your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit in pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tip of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from God's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Interesting assignment...

It's amazing how people (a certain person in particular) can seem to understand me so well just from my blog and chatting, and people who have known me all my life don't know me at all.
Someone I am growing fond of here in the "Land of Blog" has given me a "writing assignment". I accepted the challenge, and so now I will be waiting for the right moment for my stories to unfold. I agree with him... The time will have to be right for the stories to flow...
The first assignment was easy to choose a story for. The saddest thing that ever happened to me.
The second assignment - the happiest time in my life. I remember happy "moments", but not many happy "times".
Should be interesting....

Mindful wanderings

A few weeks ago, this tiny wild kitten wandered up into Rhonda and Allen's yard. Everyone tried to catch her, but they couldn't. I walked over there, and she just walked up and I reached down and picked her up. Naturally, since she picked me, I had to take her home. My son had been wanting a kitten for a long time. She is a momma's cat, though. As I type, she is sitting on my shoulder.
Normally I am a dog person. I have always owned dogs, since I was 2 years old there has been a dog in my house. (Other than the year and a half I lived in the townhouse.) I like cats, but they are so pushy. They won't wait for an invitation, and they won't take no for an answer. I don't know how many times I have put this cat on the floor, on the bed... Next thing I know, she is back up here.
What is it about me that this cat can see? Why is it that that endearing quality can't be seen by human eyes? Male human eyes, in particular... LOL Oh well...
I always wonder if I don't have too much time on my hands sometimes, put two or more entries into my blog in one day. Seems like I could find something more constructive to do, don't you think?


There is a woman who comes into our store to get coffee, usually wearing house shoes and a bathrobe. Sometimes as late as noon. Very nonchalant, strolling in like it's Saks or something, and she is wearing thousands of dollars of designer clothes. I think she is a very interesting woman, actually, but most of the "country folk" around here think she is too "out there".
Mind you, these are the same people who accused me of being a liberal because I eat tofu, and a feminist because I consider my opinions to be just as important as a man's. They are also the ones who have kept Hick County a Dry county since prohibition days.

Funny how one thing runs into another, and I'm not sure what the woman in her bathrobe had to do with kittens and prohibition..... ??

Ho hum...

After running two different stores in the last two weeks, and seeing the crap that managers have to put up with from the company, I'm not sure I want to have my own store. The district manager wrote my manager up yesterday, (my manager is on vacation, wasn't even there) for having too many empty spots on the shelves. There really weren't that many. When we order things, they come in multiple packs, and what doesn't fit on the shelves goes into backstock. Our manager usually gets in trouble for having too much backstock... Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't! There is so much ridiculous paperwork, stuff that the computer does, but managers have to go in and do it again in writing, time that could really be spent elsewhere. It is obvious that 90% of the big wigs in this company have never worked in one of our stores. Things they require may look good on paper, but it doesn't work in the real world.

It's an amazingly cool day for July in Kansas, (66 degrees at noon!!!!) I got off work early today, so I am going to clean, and do my laundry this afternoon and hopefully go work on going through some stuff at my house this evening. I will probably end up at Rhonda's though, lol, we never seem to go a day without seeing each other unless I'm out of town. Andy went to Colorado yesterday, and I think some things I said to him last night are probably working around in his head.

My son spent his first day with the new sitter yesterday... He had fun and she told me she had never had such well behaved child. (I thought yeah, just wait... It's only his first day!!! LOL) That's a load off my mind. My daughter started her new job yesterday, sounds like it went well. She is working 30 miles away for one of my stores competition companies....LOL She knows this business well, though, and should be really good.

Thinking in circles

Do you ever feel something that you don't understand? I can't put a name to the way I feel these days... I really think that if it wasn't for my son I would just ask for a transfer somewhere far away and start all over, getting to know no one, letting no one in. Other than my best friend Rhonda, and seemingly my ex, R, I can't seem to have good relationships. The only common denominator in all of them is me, so I must be the problem, right? There is something I am doing wrong.

Andy... Hawk... Not to mention Will, who still calls me almost every day from South Carolina. I must be too nice. Men only seem to stay with women who treat them like shit.

*sigh*
Anyway... There is a woman at work who is talking about me behind my back, saying I'm not doing my job... Boss says not to worry about her, and I'm not, but it pisses me off that she is so nice to my face. I HATE people who won't be honest. If she has something against me, she needs to tell it to my face... Drives me nuts, not that I let her know that... I have gone through this before... And ALWAYS, I am still there when they move on to their next job...
I am thinking about taking the Postal Service test. That is what Hawk does, you know... Even part time I would take home more that I make in a week now... I would only want a rural route, though, and since I have a 4 wheel drive now I could do that... We will see what happens.

Finally home again

All the employees at the Dodge store I spent the week at consider me the Company Hitman.
I was there 5 days, did 5 write ups, fired one guy, and put another on a week's suspension.
Everyone that has knows me very well for very long is surprised when I tell them that. They all say that they didn't think I had the heart for that. I guess that this job has just built my self esteem, but it is also that I have "become myself" over the last few years. I can be a hard ass easily these days because I have been shit on so much that it has hardened me.

Wednesday night I was sitting in my motel room trying to find something to watch on television when the phone rang. I picked it up, and a man said "What are ya doin'?"
I got goose bumps. It was Hawk. He had called my home store, and then the Dodge store to find me. He wanted me back. I asked him how many times over the years had we had this conversation... He said a lot. I told him I was waiting on Andy to make a decision as to what I was doing in the future, but I really don't think that Hawk is something I need to get back into, although I have never been able to say no to him before. I don't think that things will work out happily ever after with Andy, either. Is there really no one out there for me? *sigh* That is part of the reason I am working so hard to get my own store... Working 70-100 hours a week will keep me too busy to think about it.

Total exhaustion

After getting almost no sleep for days, and being out on the road, Andy headed to the shop when he got back to work on the trailer so he could go home and relax. As soon as his wife found out he was down at the shop, she sent the boys on their bikes over there. Never mind that he is dog tired, and trying to work. One of the boys left his bike laying on the ground behind the trailer. Andy ran over it when he backed up. His wife tells him it is all his fault, that he should have got out of the truck and looked before backing up! Well, HELLO!! The man is trying to work, he doesn't need to be taking care of those boys too, while she is at home watching TV. If they are old enough to go out on their bikes, they are old enough to be responsible for taking care of them.
He is going to have to listen to her bitch all evening, when he needs sleep. I told him not to let her make him feel guilty, it was an accident, caused by the carelessness of the boy, not him. Made him promise me that if they wouldn't let him sleep, to get his stuff, and get in his truck, going to the shop or somewhere if necessary, and sleeping in the truck. I hope she actually cooked something for him for supper, and not just cardboard pizza or something. (that's her specialty)

I have the next three days off, then report Monday morning at the other Dodge City store at 5 am. I work Mon, through Fri. there, then Sat. Through Tue. In my store. *sigh*
Rhonda and I are planning a road trip to where she used to live in Oklahoma. Going down to stay with her friend down there for a girls weekend. Thinking about going during corn harvest so that Alan won't try to come too. LOL It should be really fun. Like that country song about the three women going partying "Down in Mississippi and up to no good..." Only it will be "Down in Oklahoma and up to no good". LOL
I really wish that I had some time where I wasn't going to have to see anyone for several hours... For the last couple of weeks there have been tears just beneath the surface, just wanting to fall, release. I just won't let them, have no time for them. Life just really gets to me sometimes, gets to be too much...

Another day in the life....

I never seem to know what I am walking into when I go to work.
Last night our night person got sick, and wanted to go home. No one would work it, so the manager worked the night shift. He went home this morning, leaving me in charge. I had two people from the Pratt store that we were training, (the Pratt manager isn't qualified as a training manager)working 8 to 5, and the deli person, working 6 am until 2 pm. I had another person coming in at 11 am, working until 7, and two people 3 to 11 pm. The manager had left me training the new people, and a 3 page list of cleaning/organizing stuff to get done ASAP.
We are supposed to be getting the customer service area remodeled, and they are supposed to be adding new large cigarette cabinets. The guys arrived today to install the cabinets, but Oh-Oh! Our company forgot to get the remodel done first... No room for cabinets! While the cabinets are sitting in the back of the truck getting damp from the rain that is falling, they guys contact their company to decided what to do. I thought it was obvious - go back where you came from, and take the cabinets with you!!
What a day.
Andy came flying in... He had a load of potatoes going to Colorado, and was running late, but we hadn't seen each other at all yesterday (he went to Nebraska) and he wanted to see me before he left, since he probably won't come back until tomorrow. He brought me about 15 pounds of new red potatoes just hours out of the field... He had a whole hopper trailer full of them, loaded right from the dirt in the field into his trailer. I am planning on cooking some of the tiny ones in a big pot with fresh green beans and bacon. Love that!
Rhonda gets off work at 7, and since Andy has promised me more potatoes, I am going to take some over to her and Alan's house this evening.

Borrowed from Rednaked

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. What brings you here?
5. Why do you keep coming back?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When’s the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

Live from the bottom of the well.....

Ok. Maybe I can get through some of the stuff in my head. I can't seem to even get complete sentences out very well, so bear with me.
I think I'm losing it. Every time I am with Andy I turn into a complete airhead, which is NOT me. Yesterday I went to the nearest Wal Mart to get a few things, about 30 miles away, and since there isn't an automatic carwash in Hick County, I decided to wash the pick up while I was there. Of course, when you have groceries in the back of the pick up, it would be a good idea to take them out before going through the car wash. I didn't think about that until the wash was half way through. Luckily, there wasn't anything back there that it hurt. I do have some really clean shiny watermelons, though.
Friday morning my son got up early, and proceeded to paint the bathroom sink faucet with hot pink fingernail polish. R had stayed here to watch him so I could go to work, and he got after him. Later, he went out to play and wandered off, which is something he NEVER does. Someone found him, and the son told the people that he didn't want to go home because his dad was mean. They took him to the sheriff's department. Luckily, my BIL the under sheriff was there, and he usually handles all juvenile cases. My son was tired, (having woke up around 5 am) and uncooperative. He is sort of hard to communicate with anyway, so they couldn't understand what he was saying. BIL sent him home with my sister to take a nap, so he could talk to him before letting him come home. I was at work this whole time, going crazy trying to figure out what was going on. They brought him home about 8 pm, BIL said he thinks my son was just mad about getting in trouble that morning. My son has really been crazy lately, though, and I think his medication needs to be changed.
I went with Andy in the truck on Saturday. He warned me that we were going to a really rinky dink feed yard in Oklahoma, and he was right. We pulled down the weed filled, mud puddled drive, and pulled onto the ancient scales. Directly in front of the scales there were 3 dead calves, and 4 dogs ripping their faces apart. Lovely. We went down to where we had to unload, and the hole for the grain to dump into is about 2 foot square at the most, so it took an hour and a half or so to unload. There were water puddles here, too, green water... And piles of rotting grain. If you have ever smelled wet, rotting grain, you will know it is one of the most horrible smells...
So we had a great time together in spite of the trashy place we unloaded. After getting back to Hick County we went to the shop, where I used the big shop vac to vacuum out my pick up. He did maintenance on the Peterbilt, and I helped him clean inside a bit. He had noticed a few little things wrong with my pick up, so he just started fixing all those things, without me even asking him to. I stood there watching him, and all of a sudden I realized that even though he is reluctant to say it out loud, this is one way he shows me how much he cares about me.
That evening, Rhonda and I went out to the final night of the rodeo. Would you believe that on both nights, not a single bull rider got a full ride!?! That was unbelievable. After the rodeo, we went to the dance. Just south of the rodeo ring they have a big cement slab, and the band sets up on the east end of it. There are picnic tables around, and they were selling beer. I sat out there, watching the dancers, listening to the music, thinking how fun it would be with Andy. He loves to dance like I do. I did dance, with an old friend named Chuck. Two step, swing (all that spinning after a few beers is interesting) and the cotton eyed joe, which they played dreadfully fast. I hadn't done the CEJ for 20 years, and I felt it! After all that dancing, my butt muscles are still sore... LOL
Anyway, Friday sucked, Saturday was wonderful, although being at that dance alone made me really miss Andy. Sunday was pretty uneventful.
Andy, my son, and Rhonda are the only things keeping me sane right now. Andy is also part of the problem. He still goes home to cardboard pizza suppers (if he gets anything at all) and a screaming whining bitch of a wife. Why is he still hanging on? Everyone in Hick County knows the marriage has been bad for quite a few years now... Why does he stay.... I think he is afraid of being alone, and he isn't quite sure yet that I am being serious when I tell him that I will be here for him forever. He has been hurt way too many times. His ability to trust people has been impaired.
The stress of trying to get someone to take care of my son while I am working is getting to me, too. There are very few people who do that around here, and with his ADHD, I need someone who will be patient with him. In the meantime, my mom has missed half a day of work to watch him, R has missed a whole day of work to watch him. I don't know what I am going to do.
I used to really like my job most of the time, but lately every time I work I get so antsy, like I am having a panic attack, just going crazy until I can get out of there. It is effecting the quality of my work, and I hate it, but I don't know what to do.
All these medical bills, and the plumbing bill are adding up, and I only take home about $200 a week... I am drowning in bills!!! Even since I have moved in with my mom, it is still hard to get everything paid, and still keep fuel in my pick up, and food for the son and I.
*sigh* I know that everyone has problems, and lots of people have more problems than I do, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with mine...
I just have run out of ideas on how be happy no matter what is going on... I guess when I was doing that I was just in denial or something... Maybe I have just forgot to stay focused on the good things and am giving the bad things way too much attention, I don't know.
Maybe I will get over it, who knows?

Happy trails

I was going to put a post here about my son and another mess with the police on Friday, going with Andy on the truck yesterday, helping him work on the truck, him working on my pick up. Going to the rodeo with Rhonda last night, and the outdoor rodeo dance afterwards, the cotton-eye joe, two steppin', swing dancing....
But I really seem to be burnt out on this. I didn't think that would happen. I just seem to feel like none of it really matters, in the long run. What the fuck difference does it make anyway.
Guess I need a break. I might be back tomorrow to tell you about it, I might be back next week. I might never be back, who the hell knows...
I just wish my screwed up life was this easy to walk away from.... It sucks about 99% of the time too....
I m sooo tired of pretending everything is going fine when it is eating me up slowly from the inside...

Whatta day...

I find it interesting that when I have an entry about anything other than my boring daily life, I get no comments. Why is that?

Today the saga of the police and my 7 year old continued...
He got in trouble (and got a rare spanking)with his dad this morning by painting up stuff in the bathroom with fingernail polish. Later, he wandered off, and was found by some people a couple of blocks away. He told them he didn't want to go home because his dad hit him. They called the police. I was at work. Luckily, my brother in law the under-sheriff was there, and my sister picked up my son, and they kept him at their house til this evening so that my BIL could talk to him about what really happened.Kept it "unofficial" that way. He decided that my son was just angry about getting in trouble, and brought him home this evening. *sigh* This kid is going to be the death of me yet!!
I had the chance to go with Andy today, but had to work. I don't have to work tomorrow, maybe I can go with him tomorrow. I'll call him in the morning, if he doesn't call me first.
Both computers went down at work today, with a store full of customers of course. Our registers are touch screen computers. The credit card system was down for quite a while, so we had to do credit cards the old fashioned way with the "knuckle buster". As many as we go through, that was a big problem!
You know, our gas in lower than many places in the country, and I am sooo tired of people coming in and bitching me or the other clerks out for the price of gas... Do they think we have control over the world oil market??!?!?! Geez...

Shooter Jennings' Band

I don't know if any of you listen to country music, but I love all kinds of music, and Andy and I listen to it quite a bit.
"Our song" is "4th of July" by Shooter Jennings, and I just think it is a strange coincidence that Shooter has a guy in the band that looks soooo much like Andy. He is the guy in the picture sitting down. Trim this guy's beard a bit, put his hair in a pony tail, and a ball cap on his head he would look just like an older version of Andy.(edit: Actually, Andy's hair is a bit lighter, and 4" longer, and a bit curlier, and he is even cuter than Leroy (the guy in the picture....LOL)



4th Of July
- Shooter Jennings
Alone with the morning burning red on the canvas in my head
Painting a picture of you
And me driving across country, in a dusty old RV
Just the road and its majesty
And I'm looking at you with the world in the rear view


Chorus-
You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me, and you're happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July
We sang Stranglehold to the stereo
Couldn't take no more of that rock n roll
So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along

Those white lines get drawn into the sun if you aint got no one
To keep you hanging on
And there you were like a queen in your nightgown, riding shotgun from town to town
Staking a claim on the world we found
And I'm singing to you, you're singing to me, you were out of the blue to a boy like me


Chorus-
You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me, and you're happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July
We sang Stranglehold to the stereo
Couldn't take no more of that rock n roll
So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along


and im looking for you in the silence that we share


Chorus-
You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me, and you're happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July
We sang Stranglehold to the stereo
Couldn't take no more of that rock n roll
So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along

Independence Day

What is it about men on the internet? I get to know one a little bit, like in a chat room or something, and as soon as we start getting to know each other better, all he wants to talk about is sex. Even across the internet men can see that sign on my forehead. *sigh*
Am I just too old fashioned??

Anyway.

We went and watched the fireworks out at the HS Football field. They were beautiful as always. I used to hate fireworks, the sudden loud noises hurt my ears like crazy. I guess the older I get, the less sensitive my ears get. Probably losing my hearing from too much loud music.
100 years ago, and town's independence Day celebration started with a speech by the mayor, or other town fathers, helping everyone to remember the meaning of the celebration. I don't know about anywhere else, but around here it is just about the fireworks, and the free burgers. This year, and ever year since 9-11 it should be so much more.

Fast Trip to Oklahoma

Friday's trip with Andy was great.
We loaded grain in a tiny little spot in the road town in south central Kansas, and drove it down to a little tiny spot in the road town south and a bit west of Oklahoma City.
On the way down we took a bit of a detour and went through Wakita, the little town made famous in the movie "Twister". There is a little museum dedicated to the movie there, and some day when we have more time we are going to go back. We stopped at a place close to Oklahoma City called Statuary World. It is a place bigger than a football field, maybe as big as two, filled with patio furniture, and yard ornaments, and grills. Life sized statues of horses and elk for your yard. Some of the prettiest fountains I had seen anywhere. It was fun.
After unloading the grain, we headed west to a place close to Gotebo, Okla. to pick up a load of rock to bring back to Kansas. Andy likes to take smaller highways and back roads, and we saw lots of really neat little out of the way places. Lots of pretty scenery, and beautiful houses. Cordell, Okla. Has the prettiest court house.


We stopped at a vegetable stand there in Cordell that he says is the one he likes to stop at, and the people recognized him,even though it was last year the last time he was there, and they were really nice. He bought a cantaloupe almost as big as a basketball, and a watermelon. We smelled that wonderful cantaloupe all the way back to Kansas, LOL.
We were gone from 8 am until after 10 pm, and I loved every second of it!

ZZZZZZ

I had such a great time yesterday, and I really want to tell you all about it, but I am so tired I can't keep my eyes open... I spent all day (about 14 hours) with Andy in the truck. He is teaching me how to drive the Peterbilt! Yeah! I love it... Maybe I will get a CDL and start out driving a dump truck for the local sand company or something... Pays better than what Im doing now...
Anyway, I have to go do a shift survey on the 3-11 person, and then I am going to go to bed early... Have to be at work from 5:30 am until 3 pm tomorrow... *sigh*
I will talk to you all tomorrow... Maybe.... LOL